Comment on Columns: The education of a regretful housewife

Comment on (St. Pete Times) Columns: The education of a regretful housewife

Blumner's Sunday column tells the story of Terry Hekker, the former authority on homemaking as a viable choice. Hekker found herself heartbroken, duped, divorced, and penniless after raising five children and being a supportive wife to her husband for 40 years. Blumner's take-away from Hekker's story follows: "Striving in jobs that stretch our intellect ... or making money so we can direct the course of our lives, are expansive endeavors that engender widespread respect, unlike, to be blunt, stay-at-home parenting."

Although Hekker's lesson is a valuable one for modern women, Blumner's conclusion may be misplaced. Instead of concluding that a challenging career is the best answer to achieve widespread respect, self-actualization, personal growth, and financial power, one may ask why is it that taking responsibility for raising one's own babies and young children does not engender widespread respect, and if not financial security, than, at least, not a financial loss?

As a stay-at-home mother to two young children, I looked at my babies and thought, "Do I want to sacrifice my own self-actualization for a few years so that this baby can have the best? Or, do I want my child raised by workers who may or may not share my values, warmth, sense of humor, amount of hugging, keen eye for illness, curiosity on nature hikes, etc., etc.?" I answered, "Yes! I will sacrifice until my children are in school. I will care more about the future than I do about my own needs." There will be a time when the children will fly away. There will be time enough for career. It is my job to take responsibility for raising these children right. Mom: Nobody Does It Better.

Raising our children from birth is, bar none, my husband's and my greatest satisfaction and achievement. Unfortunately for the future of our society and our world, there are not enough parents who fully take on the responsibility of raising their children as best as they can. For the parents who have to work, those parents are doing the best they can. Yet, the disregard of where the buck stops will negatively affect our future and us all.

The "pay-off" for day care to raise your children is too easy to take. However, the solution is not necessarily for all mothers to go back to work as quickly as possible, but to call for policies such as paid leave, a "family allowance," work credit for parenting time, and divorce laws that recognize the wife's contribution to the family's career. (See the "U.S. Lags Far Behind" report: http://www.globalworkingfamilies.org/).

I know "mother" is so ubiquitous she is unseen. I wrote this poem to see her:

I'm just a mom.
You don't see me because I'm always here,
Like breathing or the back of your hand.
I'm just a mom.
Always ready with a smile, a hug, some advice...
Looking like
Somebody's mom.
Just what I meant to look like. (Not a doormat but, you see, it's not about me.)
Available to you at any moment that you should need me,
For anything.
Always ready to drive you anywhere,
Snacks in hand.
I'm just a mom.
The One who is your voice,
Your biggest protector,
All the while,
Helping you find your voice.
Just a mom keeping the home calm
So your eyes shine clear and strong.
I'm just a mom, who, long ago, put aside her own ego
To devote her life to something larger -
Heroic even -
To create a happy family.
And
It is exactly what I meant to do.
So, next time you see one, See one.
Smile and know
That although and because you see mom all the time,
She is a heaven-blessed hero.

-Anonymous Stay-at-home-mom (for now!)
Market Researcher
Ph.D. Candidate